Five Things you Need to Know to Promote Healthy Attachment in your Child

When I consider all the talking points and books and materials about parenting that I’ve been exposed to over decades of being a psychologist, it’s fairly overwhelming in its expanse. In my lifetime, we’ve gone from spanking in Corporal Punishment as being the gold standard, to Gentle and Free-Range parenting, and everything in between.

But of all the theories and concepts surrounding the importance of parenting, nothing floats to the top of the pile quite like Attachment. Humans are widely considered the most dependent mammals at birth, and we require the longest developmental period before reaching full independence. And this isn’t really surprising to me, as it points to our design for attachment necessitated by our condition at birth. We are designed by God to be in relationship, attached from birth, to God Himself and to others. But it starts with that attachment to our parents. We were literally born to be attached, and in the relationship between parent and child, attachment starts immediately, initiated during gestation, exploding upon birth, foundationally established in the first 3-5 years of life, and built upon throughout childhood in developmental stages.

It's a big deal, Attachment. Your child needs to be emotionally and healthily connected to you as the parent from the beginning. Children develop emotional regulation from their experience with you, within this attachment that is created and nurtured. And parenting can be overwhelming, all parents can experience this, the doubt, that drowning feeling. But you’ve got this! Perfection was, and will never be, the goal. You can successfully be the important person in your child’s life. 

So here are Five things to help you make that true, and stay focused on a healthy connection with your child throughout their childhood.

Be in the Moment

[absent of distractions]

You are expressing value to your child within your interactions and connection. So give them your full undivided attention.

Listen, with great interest

Everyone needs to experience being fully heard and valued in being heard. This is where it starts, your child’s connected experience with you. Your child is not a problem to be solved, so avoid falling into advice giving or problem solving. These tasks may come, but not until your child has experienced being fully heard.

Teach within Teachable Moments

 Whenever possible, this is the best and most effective time and creates the most meaning. As much as possible, take advantage of life presenting these teachable moments.

Become Knowledgeable About Your Child

Knowledgeable about who they are as a person, and about what your child’s developmental needs are throughout their childhood.

Become and Stay Humble

Mistakes will happen by you, and your child. Mistakes are learning opportunities, and opportunities to extend and demonstrate grace and empathy. And mistakes are opportunities to learn to take responsibility and apologize and reconcile.

A child that can manage their emotional life and stay emotionally regulated, who feels loved and valued, who has developed an inner sense of competency and self-security, is a child that can not only manage the demands of an emotional life, but that can thrive and succeed within all that life will present them. And it all starts with the quality of their attachment to you, their parent.

Not only that, but a child’s attachment foundation with their parent sets the stage for their attachment to God. We are laying the groundwork for our child to use, to become attached to God. With our child’s spiritual life opening, we can assist in that attachment to God being a healthy start by promoting a healthy attachment with us, their parent. An earthly parental attachment can be a reflection of love, nourishment, goodness and yes even authority. These are all God’s traits that originated from Him. As our children experience the image of God within us, showing these characteristics reveal God and paint a picture of God’s own interaction with us.

Regardless of our belief, if a child were to be raised in a healthy environment that encouraged attachment to these traits in a secure way, the unsurprising result is a higher likelihood of being in a healthy attachment with God.