Recently my almost nine year old daughter has started getting into having a favorite music artist. And of course it had to be a rapper. After hearing one song from the artist known as PEABOD, she wanted to learn everything about Him. It didn’t stop there as she also wanted to understand the meaning behind each song. Rather than fighting this, I chose to get involved and participate in the exploration of discovering a new artist. A better choice may I add then choosing to ignore or disconnect from her new found interest all together. I would explore songs and get excited with her when finding a new album on Spotify.
Of course, we did our homework as parents; researching who this man was that had the attention of my impressionable daughter. “You check out @peabodraps and loved learning more of your story. You have two parents rooting for you.”
But by pursuing what my daughter was interested in together, not pressuring her to like it more or less, it gave me something that I long for but can’t create myself… My daughter asking me exploratory questions.
Questions about how I would handle certain life circumstances or what should we value the most (I kid you not!). Because of something she was interested in, it presented her to new thoughts and perspectives on life… and she had questions.
And because I was right there with her in our shared interest, I was a trusted and available (keyword) person to explore it with. And one question she asked, because of the lyrics of one song, created a profound thought in me. So much so I knew I had to find a way to share it here with you.
The song is called “Hoodie” and here are the lyrics that I am now thankful for:
When I miss my lady
I put on my favorite hoodie
Cause it still smells like my baby
Since she borrowed it last Tuesday.
After listening to the song, on what felt like an infinity repeat, it provoked my daughter to ask the following question with complete sincerity and curiosity:
“Dad, have you ever missed Mommy like that?”
I cannot tell you the rare occurrence of a child asking the dad about his marriage. The mom sure, consistently. But can you remember the last time you, the father, were asked an exploratory question pertaining to love, emotions, and marriage? Culture certainly insists that those subjects are part of the mom territory. Sitcoms have the kids ask the dad because it’s the punch-line.
It does actually happen; still rare but does happen. But when our kids ask, as a Father, do we recognize the significance of that moment and make the most of it? It’s like digging for gold only to pass up a speck looking for the big chunk. In raising our kids, every speck counts.
And this is where the aha moment hits.
I should be making every opportunity to show off my marriage. As rare as exploratory questions are, they are even rarer if we never show our kids how invested we are in the thing they have questions about.
I grew up thinking mom and dad kissing was gross, but now thinking about it, I realize I grew up knowing my parents had a solid relationship. And I think it was influenced greatly by my father’s actions.
The biggest moment that I can remember is when my dad ran over my mom’s foot. It’s a long story and is way more innocent than it sounds. My dad was trying to back out of a tight parking spot as mom was trying to guide him out. Who knows how that foot ended up under that wheel and who’s fault it was, but it doesn’t matter. The way my dad ran out of the car to my mother’s aid demonstrated something that could never mean the same if it was just told to me. I saw the way my dad loved my mom in action.
This is why, as Fathers and Husbands, we need to not shy away from being engaged in the daily moments of our marriage. Our kids are watching. We should take the time to have that spontaneous living room dance or the kiss while everyone is trying to brush their teeth. And I’m not suggesting to hide the bad moments and over compensate with the tenders. If the kids witness an argument unfold, be intentional on making sure the kids understand how it was resolved. But most importantly show them you are invested.
If you are invested then it is easier for our kids to see our passion and interest in them, the family, and your marriage.
And if they know it's something you care about and are invested in, then they will also see you as an expert. Someone to go to that will have the answers they are curious about.
After my daughter asked me that question I pulled out my phone and showed her a picture of mom wearing one of my sweatshirts.
“Have you ever seen me wearing this sweatshirt?” I said.
“All the time.” she said with a smile.
I’m working up the courage to perform the song to my wife. (My daughters idea)
But there is something here that I could not have manufactured myself.
And I think that’s the point.
I shouldn’t have to manufacture them.
Part of being the man God calls me to be goes beyond being a provider of shelter and security but a demonstrator of commitment and investment.
How many times have we heard the classic “Dad never said I love you out loud” scenario from grown up kids trying to justify it through “He showed it in other ways”? Just tell your kids you love them. It's better then them processing it when they are older, wondering why they have trouble with their emotions.
And tell them you love your wife.
Not because it’s a good teachable moment, but because you do.
It is important that they see and hear you show off your marriage. It’s only fake if you're doing it to check off a box. Do it because you actually appreciate and are thankful for what God has entrusted you with. Take responsibility for showing your family how to live with gratitude and joy.
Show them that Dad treasures his family and delights in his marriage.
Show them what God brings together, no one will separate.
Biblical Reflection
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, // Epehsians 5:25
Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. // Ecclesiastes 9:9
Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
// Proverbs 22:6
How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
// Song of Solomon 4:10
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